In an amazing example of giving someone props while at the same time handing out a dismissive dummy-smack to their entire career, Jay-Z once famously commented that, "Honestly, I wanna rap like Common ... but I also wanna sell records."

And while Common has certainly cultivated a nice following and parlayed that into a moderately successful break into the film industry, that comment has got to sting like the world's worst paper cut. So Common started wearing a lot of hats that looked like they came from my grandma's used crochet pile, and he went after a more diverse group of fans (let's call them "the Bonnaroo audience"). And he moved a few more units, but certainly not Billboard Top 25-style units.

Nurturing his angst over Jay’s big-up/dismissal, I suspect, has finally driven Common into the arms of Pharrell Williams and the Neptunes.

"Universal Mind Control (UMC)" is clearly Common's attempt to move some units finally, and it might, on the strength of the Pharrell association, but it shouldn't. "UMC" is handily Common's worst album, as he trades his more-organic neo-soul sound for, well, largely subpar Neptunes tracks.

Jumping off with electro-hip-hop synthesizers, the opener and title track isn't anything revelatory, but it gives you the sense that maybe Pharrell is going to try something different, maybe use the MIDI/Casio sounds he's known for in an older-school context.

Not so much. Witness "Punch Drunk Love," which sounds like a rejected H-Town beat (that's right, as in "Lick U Up" H-Town from, like, 1993), "Gladiator," which inexplicably shifts from squelchy, modulated synths to a demure piano melody, and "What a World," which completely destroys any hope I had that the two preppy dudes from Chester French (signed to Pharrell's Star Trak label) will be anything but annoying and horrible.

The production, handled almost exclusively by Pharrell, incorporates elements of electro, UK grime and maybe even a snatch or two of go-go. But aside from the first single, "Announcement," very little of it pairs up well with Common's traditional, angular, slightly-clunky-but-still-on-the-beat flow. In fact, he goes several steps outside his lyrical comfort zone, trying to roll over the hip-hop shuffle of "Make My Day" and the double-time closer, "Everywhere."

And then there's "Sex 4 Sugar," which has already been sledgehammered to death in the blogosphere for its complete and total cornball awkwardness. Not only does Common butcher all his verses, but Pharrell ruins one of the better drum tracks on the album with an overly simple, annoying synth melody.

Common did some of his best work paired up with Detroit producer J. Dilla (R.I.P.). And while the recent trend of every indy rapper between Chicago and Detroit rhyming over a second-tier Dilla beat is getting a little old, I’d certainly have taken that over "UMC."

Where's my copy of "Like Water for Chocolate?" I wanna hear that joint about Common’s grandma gettin' jacked on the old-folks cruise again.

Sussex Countian