“All right, I confess,” a friend said recently. “My carpets looked so bad, I skipped right over the carpet-cleaning company and went straight for the disaster recovery service!”
“All right, I confess,” a friend said recently with a laugh. “My carpets looked so bad, I skipped right over the carpet-cleaning company and went straight for the disaster recovery service!”
I laughed along with her, my mind reeling the entire time. While I didn’t doubt that her carpet took a beating, with a busy toddler and a small dog running about, I couldn’t help but be fascinated by the concept of a disaster recovery service.
I wondered what else they specialize in. My basement isn’t flooded and there isn’t a fallen tree on my roof, but could they still help me? Some days, it seems my world is one disaster after another. Might it be wishful thinking to hope that, for a fee, someone else could deal with my personal disasters for once?
In fact, if a disaster recovery company wanted to truly carve out a niche market, it might consider offering these services:
In-law management: With the utmost of grace, company representatives will keep all visits with your in-laws short and sweet. They will stop your mother-in-law before the insult leaves her mouth, and they will use superhuman powers to keep you from making a snide remark.
Child whining cessation: Disaster Recovery will find that magic “mute” button you’ve been looking for with your children. Perhaps miraculously, they will do so without the use of duct tape.
Appointment scheduling maintenance: Better than a BlackBerry, Disaster Recovery will cross-check each of your appointments to ensure you have ample time to make the cross-town jaunt without having to curse at every stoplight in your path.
Meal restoration: Did the dumplings stick to the bottom of the pot again? Call in Disaster Recovery to whip up a replacement meal that will still be on the table when your husband walks through the door. This service extends to include: undercooked chicken, pork chops that can break a window, spaghetti that has formed a clumpy mess and anything that set off the smoke detector.
Time rewind: Clearly Disaster Recovery’s most popular service, this comes in handy when you tell the Boss what you really think of his project.
Personal shopping assistance: Guys, this one is for you. If ever you’ve faced a wife who wasn’t jumping for joy over the toaster you gave her for Christmas, consider using this service as a form of preventive maintenance. Book in advance for Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day and Sweetest Day. (Yes, that is a holiday. And yes, we do expect a gift.)
Forgotten item provisions: Stuck at the mall with a blow-out and no spare diaper? Step out of the shower at the gym just to realize you didn’t bring clean underwear? A little like AAA is there for you when your car breaks down, Disaster Recovery is there when your brain stops working.
Of course, the price tag for such a service would be astronomical. But surely, with all the things it can do, this company also would find a way of making money grow on trees.
Elizabeth Davies writes for the Rockford Register Star.