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PrattTribune - Pratt, KS
Tracy Beckerman is Lost in Suburbia and trying to hold onto just a little bit of her former, COOL, pre-mom self!
What to Do When There is a Formerly Fuzzy, But Now Very Dead Thing in the Backyard
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About this blog
Nationally syndicated columnist and author Tracy Beckerman is \x34Lost in Suburbia\x34 ­ managing the chaos with a healthy dose of humor. Her next book, a \x34momoir,\x34 will be published in spring 2013. She contributes to many online mom sites, ...
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Nationally syndicated columnist and author Tracy Beckerman is \x34Lost in Suburbia\x34 ­ managing the chaos with a healthy dose of humor. Her next book, a \x34momoir,\x34 will be published in spring 2013. She contributes to many online mom sites, including www.todaysmama.com, www.rolemommy.com and www.newjerseymomsblog.com and is an official blogger for Lifetime Television's hit show, \x34The Balancing Act.\x34 She also does stand-up comedy and has appeared at venues including The Comic Strip Live in NYC and The Erma Bombeck Workshop in Dayton, Ohio. Before she became a columnist, Beckerman was a writer and producer in the television industry for 10 years, managing the advertising & promotion department at WCBS-TV New York. Tracy is married to a very understanding guy. They have two children and live in New Jersey where she writes, does battle with woodchucks and avoids, at all costs, driving a minivan.
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By lostinsuburbiablog
Jan. 25, 2013 11:10 a.m.



possum crossingOne morning I looked outside and I saw a dead animal in the backyard.

Naturally, the first thing I did was take a headcount of all of our pets to make sure the furry, stiff thing outside was not one of ours. I had a busy day planned and didn’t really have time to go out and buy any replacement lookalike pets.

Then I accounted for all of my dog’s stuffed toys to make sure I wasn’t freaking out over something that had never actually been alive.

Finally, reluctantly, I went outside and approached the dead thing. It was bigger than a squirrel and smaller than a breadbox, which incidentally is kind of a stupid comparison because no one I know has a breadbox, so I’ll just say it was smaller than a cat.

The dead thing turned out to be a dead possum. I poked it with the toe of my boot to make sure it was really dead and it wasn’t just playing possum. But as they say in Oz, it wasn’t just merely dead, it was really most sincerely dead.

As far as I could tell, there didn’t seem to be anything wrong with it… aside from the fact that it was dead. This, of course, was an issue. But the biggest issue, aside from it’s deadness in our yard, was the fact that there was no one to remove it from our yard… except me.

Now, normally when I find dead things around the house or outside of it, I leave them for my husband to deal with. It comes with his job description. I make the meals, pick up the drycleaning, do the laundry, take the kids to their activities… and he disposes of dead things. But my husband was not here, and the dead possum was smack in the middle of the yard where the dog likes to run around. The dog also likes to eat, play with, and roll around on dead things. You can see how this was a problem.

So I did what any sensible, suburban woman with a similar problem would do. I called the police.

“Hi there. This is Tracy Beckerman and I have a dead possum in my backyard and I’m afraid my dumb dog is going to go roll in it. Can you send someone over to pick it up.”

There was a pause. Then someone on the other end snorted, said, “No,” and hung up.

Honestly, I didn’t actually think they would come, but I thought it was worth a shot.

Since most of the other husbands in the neighborhood were also at work, I realized there was no one else I could call and I was going to have to do the deed. So, I put on rubber gloves, a ski mask, and a radiation suit I happened to have lying around the house and went outside.

I nudged the possum with my toe again, but it didn’t budge. I nudged harder, and nothing happened. This is when I realized that the possum was actually petrified, as in hard-as-a-rock-petrified, not scared-petrified. It was 100%, completely wooly-mammoth style, frozen to the ground.

I thought for a minute and then went into the shed and got a big shovel. I jammed it under the possum and heaved, but nothing happened. Then I threw all my weight on the shovel. This time the dead possum torpedoed out of the ground, into the air, and in a perfect arc, flew over my neighbor’s fence.

Problem solved.

©2013, Beckerman. All rights reserved.



FINAL Book Cover copyMy new book, “Lost in Suburbia: A Momoir. How I Got Pregnant. Lost Myself, and Got My Cool Back in the New Jersey Suburbs” is now available for PRE-ORDER! Yes, I know it won’t be out for 4 months, but think of how excited you’ll be in anticipation of receiving your copy the moment it comes out!” To pre-order yours, VISIT HERE>

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