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PrattTribune - Pratt, KS
  • Lost in Suburbia: Killing me softly with your song

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  • Dear Whoever Picks Out the Music That Gets Piped into the Supermarket,
    As a loyal shopper at your grocery store, I thought it was time to acknowledge the contribution you make to my weekly food shopping experience. I imagine that yours is an often thankless job, so I figured you would appreciate some feedback for the obvious effort you put into your unique music selections.
    First off, I must give you kudos for being so consistent in your playlist. You’ll be thrilled to know that all of us supermarket patrons have not failed to notice that you’ve played the same loop of songs reliably for the past ten years. I admire your steadfast ability to resist the temptation to introduce even one new song into the mix.
    Additionally, I’m impressed by your decision to choose the Soothing Sounds of the Seventies as the best audio environment for food shopping. While music styles have come and gone through the years, it takes a true leader to buck trends and stick with a musical choice, however cheesy and mind-numbing it might be.
    Personally, I think it is inspired to play “Brandy” while I pick out my bran cereal, “Feelings,” while I squeeze the tomatoes, and “You Light Up My Life,” while I buy my lightbulbs. I never would have considered listening to “Afternoon Delight” while spending the afternoon doing a tedious chore like shopping in the supermarket. Where others might choose to play songs that make you want to singlalong and spend more time in the store, I applaud your choice to play music that makes me want to smother myself with a 12 pack of papertowels and run screaming from the store in a muzak-induced flight of mental self-preservation.
    By the way, that sound you might have heard in the pasta section today was not a spill in aisle six. It was the sound of my head exploding from having to listen to “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart,” for the five-thousand, two-hundredth time.
    As you know, grocery shopping can be a dreary experience. It’s one of those chores that no one really looks forward to doing but has to do anyway. For this reason, I’m grateful that you always make it something I will attempt to do as quickly as possible so I can escape supermarket soft rock purgatory.
    Thank you so much for doing your job so well. The next time I hear “Endless Love” in your supermarket, it will remind me of how endless my supermarket shopping experience feels because of you!
    Best regards, Tracy Beckerman
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